Better Late Than Never

Fear. Expectations.  Failure.  Pride.  Oh how I hate those words, the feelings they stir in me and the actions that they produce in me!  I am a self-proclaimed perfectionist.  Through the years, it has lessened slightly, yet still lurks in the background of everything I do.  The earliest memories I have included this trait of mine.   When given a task, assignment or challenge it was all or nothing.  I insisted on doing my best and it being the best (whatever that "it" was). 

The strive for perfection has cost me through the years in both my mental and physical health.  But the biggest cost has been in missed opportunities.  You see, because I am a perfectionist, in my mind everything I do must be "perfect" in my eyes.  Unfortunately, perfection is unattainable.  My standards of perfection have always been unattainable.  No matter how much effort I invest in whatever I'm doing, it just never seems to be enough, which brings me to my next fatal flaw...I'm a pessimist.  When you mix these two traits together, it can be a death sentence to dreams.  Let me explain.  If I am given a task to do or asked to do something, I first think, almost subconsciously, "can I complete this task to perfection?"  If the answer is "no", I won't even try. If the answer is "yes", then I start to think of every possible scenario of how this task could go wrong or opposition I could face.  Then comes the mental death of that dream, idea or task.  I can literally talk myself out of doing something just because there is a possibility that 1. I could fail, 2. It would not be to my standards of perfection, or 3. It will not meet someone else's expectations. 

I tell you all this so that you can understand a little bit about me and the reason behind starting this blog.  Let me first say that I did not start this blog because "everyone is doing it."  That's just not the way that I work.  I started this blog because for years I have been disobedient.  I am a Christian.  I've known Christ since I was a child, but took a "sabbatical" during most of my high school and college years, for lack of a better word.  God was still actively pursuing me during that time, but in my stubborn spirit, I chose to run away for a time.  I will talk about that in another post.  For many years, I have felt compelled to journal, write and speak.  Many people have encouraged me to pursue those areas.  I would keep a journal for a few days, weeks or maybe even a few months and then quit.  On several occasions, I have been asked to speak to different groups of people, but nothing consistent.   I've thought about it.  I've prayed about it.  I've talked about it.  I even made a special place in my house so that I could read, write and study.  Here I am years later, still thinking, praying and talking about it, but not actively doing it.  So, this blog is my accountability.  It is my legacy to my children.  It's a compilation of my life stories, God encounters, and random thoughts on life.  Why have I not done it up until this point?... Expectations.  Failure.  Pride.  Fear that I will not live up to my own and others expectations.  Fear that I will fail and everyone will witness it.  Fear that pride in a job well done will ultimately cause me to fail.  Oh, the tangled web we weave when we listen to the one who deceives!

Recently, God has been tugging at my heart again.  He's been gently wooing me back to this calling that He gave me years ago.  He reminded me just this morning that so many that were called before me also ran from their assignments as well.  Jonah ran and ended up in the belly of a whale. (Jonah 1:1-17)  Moses fled to Midian and was called back by a burning bush (Exodus 2). Peter ran away when times got tough, even though Christ warned him he would and Peter vehemently denied it. (Matt. 26:31-35, 69-75)  So, there's hope for me.  There is hope that even though I've ran away for years, scared of failure and opposition, and just plain being lazy and apathetic, He can still use me. "Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  Phil. 1:6

So, here I am, hoping that through my obedience I can somehow speak life into others.  I hope to inspire and spur you on to good deeds.  It may not always be "perfect", but I promise to be me.  I promise to be real and authentic, because this life is hard and we all need a friend to walk with us.  I hope that you will walk along with me.